The God of Silence...

"He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth." (Isaiah 53:7)

Life has taught me umpteen number of lessons, or rather, God, through the very many struggles, failures, trials, sufferings and joys of life, has tried to lead me, slowly and patiently, into the reality of Him; but my problem has always been that, I have neither been good nor mature enough to learn from those lessons which life, so benevolently tried teaching me at various points of the journey.

Often times, the reality of "what could have been" dawns on me quite late, well past that window of grace, where God is waiting patiently for me; waiting for my yielding and surrendering to him, albeit with a reluctant, unwilling 'Yes'. Yes to those impossible life situations that I find myself in; Yes to the job that I do not like; Yes to the slight discomfort of missing the train; Yes to extending my arms to help a brother or sister in need; and Yes, to the failures of others which sometimes hurt big time. But hold on, hold on. Dear God, with all love and respect, I genuinely think you are being very unreasonable here. How can I say Yes to any of the above? Don't you realise that I get Hurt in those situations? Can you not see my pain, my situation?  
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven" (Matt 5:3)


Often, in my daily struggles, the focus is upon me and me alone. My family, my problems, my career, my struggles, my gains and finally my ministry. Sadly even in my mission and ministry life, I bring in my own shortcomings and narrow mindedness to such an extend that, in reality I am not doing Gods work anymore, but I am doing what I perceive to be Gods work, in a way I dictate, and if at all God wants to have a say in it, then please wait outside until I finish Gods work. And the fact is that, He waits outside, until I am done with all of His work.

Its easy to get lost in doing Gods work. As Blessed JP2 once said to some seminarians, "Don't get too involved doing the work of the Lord, that you forget the Lord of the works". Its easy to forget why we are doing what we are doing. If only I would pause for a moment and think; if only I would be in front of the blessed Sacrament and ask the Lord for the reasons and hear Him speak..
"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings" (Hos 6:6)

Why do I write all these now? Over the last few weeks and months, I have seen the catholic blogosphere of UK attacking one another with such ferocity and spite, that at times I wondered, are we really followers of Christ. But, the very next moment, I am fully aware of my own weakness and my own tendency to get carried away and if at all that happens, dear Lord, I pray that you may make me read this, so that I may fix my focus back on you and not on my feelings of hurt and resentment.

So help me God..

For you my child...

Dear Lord,

This is my prayer for her.

That she may know you, not because you are my God, but because she would realise that you alone are her Father, who knew her before you knit her in her mothers womb.

That she may love you, not because of fear or obligation, but because you would give her the gift of faith; the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen.

And that she may dedicate her life to you, not out of compulsion, but because of the knowledge that you are her God, who waits for her with love undefiled in the tabernacle, a love that is patient and kind..

This prayer, O Lord, I make my own today.

(Quoted from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet - On Children)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
 
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

So Help me God...

A Christmas Gift

As my wife and me stepped into The Royal Hampshire County hospital in Winchester in the morning of 23rd December 2011, little did we realise that this would be the day when we would see our sweet precious little (custom-made, of course) gift from heaven. We had waited for more than nine months, played with her, told her umpteen number of stories, sang her all the songs we knew, prepared our home and our hearts for her, and finally, after 40 weeks, were told that the baby was in a breech position. For the medical staff, a detail which was missed; for us a huge shock :), just because we literally ate TENS machines, gas & air and epidurals for breakfast, lunch and supper.

On 23rd morning, the doctor tried to turn the baby around with the ECV procedure, but our child wont budge (so much like her father, "Any less than 4 horns for the rabbit, sorry not listening.."). Baby Anna Claire was born at 14:27 via C-section that afternoon.

As I took her in my arms that day, and every single time I have looked at her after that, I can not but marvel at this wonder of Gods love. God does indeed love the world passionately.

Every single day since, I have asked myself and my God this question, "Lord, what did you see in us to entrust us with this precious child of yours. What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? (Ps 8:4)". And little by little, in my learning's as a father, I have understood more and more the unconditional love of the Father in Heaven. In the book of Job, the Lord asks Job, "Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?... Who marked off its dimensions?... who laid its cornerstone?" (Job 38). In the same way, my child, I do not know the moment you were conceived in your mothers womb, nor how you grew in there. My hands did not shape you, nor did I breathe life into you. I was not there to take care of your little fingers and toes, nor to cuddle you to sleep. But I do know the one whose hands did shape you and who did breathe his spirit of life into you, and its my life's purpose now to lead you to the knowledge of Him, who knew you before I even dreamt of you.

O Lord, your gift is perfect beyond all measure and comparison. When she smiles, my heart glows up. And when she cries, it is my heart that bleeds. Little by little, I am beginning to know the love of a father, and getting a glimpse of the love that let his son die for me and for you. A love that is difficult to comprehend, a love that is irrational, illogical, yet a love which sustains us.

From the moment daddy heard that you have started growing in mummy's tummy, daddy wanted to dedicate this song to you. To you, little angel from Heaven, with lots of love...

iForgive

I started with this blog post some time last week and for some reason (that I cant now remember), titled it iForgive, and the next day, as I woke up, the first news that greeted me was the death of Steve Jobs!! Its a great mystery to see the way in which the seemingly different, inconsequential things, sometime feel interconnected in life. Many consider it chance, luck or coincidence, whereas Blessed John Paul II used to call it grace and providence.

Over the last couple of weeks, the question of forgiveness have come up again and again. Through the many things that have happened during these days, the subject of forgiveness has remained fresh in my mind. For a long time, I had always wondered what it meant to really forgive. After the many bitter epoch's of life, once the anger and frustration has subsided, when I sit down to reason, argue and finally submit myself to God, albeit reluctantly, although I ask Lord for forgiveness and promise God to forgive all those people and memories, yet the question has always remained in me; what it means to really forgive? How does it feel to forgive as Stephan forgave, to suffer as Therese suffered and to love as Francis loved. Forgiveness is never an easy choice, let alone a natural one. It takes courage, it takes effort and mostly it needs faith. My question has always been how and when do I know that I've completely forgiven?

Its even harder when forgiveness has to become a daily choice. I have felt that its easier to forgive and move on from something that has already happened, when you know that its already behind you. But when we have to live daily with the reality of that situation or person, which is precisely what we are trying to forgive, it becomes a constant and often a losing battle against our own limitations to accept and love. Often the struggles in our families, the frustrations of our work places and the lukewarmness of our own faith are all of this nature. As someone rightly said, its a lot easier to die once and for all for Christ, whereas its much harder to live the faith, dying every single day to oneself. 'Then He said to them all(disciples), if any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.' (Luke 9:23). Its no wonder that this exhortation was not given to the crowd, but to his disciples in private. For many are called, but few are chosen.

Over time I've learned that I can never truly forgive on my own. Painful as it was, that has always been the truth. I can try how much ever I want, yet fall short of total forgiveness. On the other hand I know that it is truly possible to completely forgive, if grace from above would cover me. It is here that I understand the true meaning of what St Paul said, "I can do all things through him who strengthens me". Yes, if he, who made me, formed me in my mothers womb, who knows me through and through, would heal me, then forgiveness would come naturally, and love would flow out automatically. This is what inner healing is. A healing that sets us free. Free to love, and love until it hurts. When I get to that stage, I guess I would never have to wrestle with the question of whether or not to forgive or how much to forgive, because you, my brother, sister, can not hurt me, for I love you so much that there is no more any pain or offense, but love alone.

I often think about why Christ said what he said on the cross, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do". Was it easy for him there? Broken, rejected, dejected, alone, with no sight or hope of any help, even death seemed far away. Yes he was God, but he was true man as well. I would like to think that even in his most vulnerable moment, as he recited his last words, Christ truly meant every word of the above prayer. "For they know not what they do". The Romans were in command, the chief priests and elders were in control, yet here is Christ, saying they did not know what they were doing. Yes, very often we see, yet vision eludes us, we hear yet understanding eludes us, we touch but sadly, warmth eludes us. It is to me that Christ is saying from the cross, that he, who has hurt me, really does not know what he is doing. Yes, they have hit me where it pains the most, they revel when I am weak and most vulnerable, yet the Spirit of God in me slowly tells me, they do not know what they are doing. Yes Lord, I forgive...

Mission and Charity

Last Sunday we visited the Missionaries of Charity house in Southall and spend the morning with the sisters over there. Although we had planned to arrive in time to join the sisters for the Holy Mass, as is our wont we were late in the morning and eventually reached there by about 10:15am. By that time most of the cooking was done and many of our guests had already come. We helped with the rest of the cooking, and by about 11, the sisters started off the Soup Kitchen with a short prayer, beginning with a hymn, followed by the Gospel reading for the Sunday and a short reflection on it and finally praying for our Lady's intercession. We helped with serving the lunch and once the meal finished, with the cleaning and also joined the sisters for their prayer after the Soup Kitchen.

Everything we did over there in the soup kitchen, eventually made sense to me because of what we did before that and after that in the chapel. Only in the context of the person of Christ could I see the meaning of all this. It is hard to do what the sisters are doing, day in day out. They don't take holidays, don't get appreciated for what they are doing, does the same chores day after day; washes the same dishes, mops the same floors and above all, the people they serve, more often than not, take them for granted. Yet, these same sisters made our day by the smile of their faces, the joy of their hearts and the warmth of their welcome. I read the Gospel, they, they live the Gospel. I search for Christ; and Christ lives in them.

Charity that doesn't have its root in faith, is mostly, unsustainable. Yes, we have hundreds of charities across the country doing some wonderful work. The difference is that Christian charities work with and for people who do not appreciate, most times hate, those who so selflessly serve them. "Mother Teresa left home at age 18 to join the Sisters of Loreto as a missionary. She never again saw her mother or sister"(reference wiki). All through the rest of her life, struggling as a young nun in a foreign land, taking care of the needy, the hungry, the naked, the homeless, the crippled, the blind, the lepers, the unwanted, the unloved, the uncared; she saw the face of Jesus in each and every person. And so she loved, loved every poor, injured and dying; because she was convinced she was doing what her Lord asked her to do. (John 13:34) She loved, because she knew the worth of a human being, the beauty of a human being, the dignity of a human being.

As St James rightly says, faith without work is useless. When God becomes the centre of my universe, the love of Christ emanates from the Spirit through me and Caritas becomes part of my character, just like the sisters we met. Every single day, the word is being made flesh through them, and all who have eyes to see, witness the miracle of the splendor of truth and yet I ask, what is truth...